Monday, 18 April 2011

Confessions of a Twenty-Something Formerly Fussy Eater

All this week, I've been eating junk food.

I haven't really pigged out since February, when I started using MFP to track my nutrients, to make sure I was getting the right kinds of things in my diet, mainly, enough protein.  Also, to drop like ten pounds.

Last Tuesday night, I just got sick of logging everything, and decided to take a week out, and just eat whatever.  And 'whatever' has been junk food.  Chips, crisps, vegan ice cream, vegan pork pies, chocolate syrup, jammie dodgers, bourbon biscuits...

To be quite fair, these are probably the healthiest chips possible.
Do you want to know the stupidest thing about it?  It doesn't even taste good.  It doesn't make me feel good.  I don't know why I want to eat it.

A part of me is going "binge now!  Quick!  While you have the chance!  Of course sugar will taste good and make you happy, it's sugar!".

Thing is, that's not true.  Sugar just doesn't taste that good.  It's moreish, and it doesn't so much taste bad - it's just not amazing.

Plus, as I said, it makes me feel bad.  I feel lazy and lethargic.  I woke up with a terrible stomach-ache this morning, and felt sick and awful.  I had a headache all of yesterday.

I don't know why I can't just snap out of this.  Why I didn't just eat well all week, or why I can't just decide to start eating well right now, why I have to wait for my designated date of tomorrow.

This week, junk food was there, and available, so I ate it, because everything I know tells me that it will taste good, that it will make me happy, even though I know it won't.

Some of it's comfort food.  I was raised on chips (fries).  Growing up, we had chips at every single meal.  It's familiar.

Some of it's fear, I think.  I used to be a really fussy eater.  Carrots and peas would make me gag.  Tomatoes too.  Lettuce.  Any vegetable you can think of.  I only started to get over it when I decided to become vegan, and realised I was fully and heartily sick of chips.  A bit of perseverance, and now I can eat pretty much anything.  A part of me wonders what the hell I was thinking, all that time I was omnivorous, and could eat anything, and I just didn't.  All of those things I just didn't try.

That said, even now, I'm a bit afraid of vegetables.  If I'm feeling delicate, I worry that they'll make me feel worse.  I remember the feelings I used to have about veggies, and the way they used to taste to me.  I'm afraid.

So, I get stuck in this vicious cycle.  I feel bad, because I make unhealthy food choices...and, because I feel bad, I'm afraid to make unfamiliar, good choices, and carry on making familiar bad ones.

It's stupid.

From tomorrow, I'll be right back to logging again, and, for those of you who are interested, you'll get an example of what vegans eat.  I'll get over this rough bit, and then, hopefully, it'll be smooth sailing.  I'm looking forward to it.  I never thought I'd look forward to vegetables.

Last week, I tried a cucumber sandwich for the first time since I was eight-years-old.  I used to hate cucumbers - the wateriness bothered me, and so did the crunch.  I enjoyed this sandwich, though.  I made it on white bread with vegan margarine and salt, and it was delicious.  I normally use wholemeal bread, but white, thinly-sliced bread with the crusts cut off is traditional for cucumber sandwiches.

I'm glad of this week, even though I feel awful.  Maybe because I felt awful.  I didn't notice how much my diet had changed, and I never realised how bad unhealthy choices make me feel.  I didn't realise I felt better until I let myself lapse back.

Onwards and upwards, eh?

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